Summary: “Okay, let’s get this straight,” Rodney says, clapping his hands together and staring hard at John. “Your name is John Sheppard and you’re a twenty year old exchange student from a nudist colony in Siberia.”
Word count: 4,341
Notes: Non-stargate AU; CRACK
“Designation: John Edward Sheppard. Age at initial activation: approximately twenty. Height—“ John had begun, standing at attention, but his introductions fell on deaf ears.
“What part of tall dark and handsome says beautiful buxom blonde to you?” The man in front of him shouts into a hand held device John determines is called a telephone. John notes his red face, his erratic hand movements, and the furrowing of his brows. The man is clearly angry. John smiles at this knowledge and stores it in his databank.
“Yeah well screw you very much! You incompetent, leading in biosynthesis my ass!” The man growls, furious, slamming the phone down. It slides off the table and crashes to the floor.
“Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay, PhD,” John says, addressing the man in front of him. “Am I not what you wanted?” Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay, PhD turns and stares at John. John cants a hip to the side and supports himself with the edge of the door frame.
“He’s slouching, with his arms crossed,” the Doctor says, and it takes John a moment to determine it is with disbelief.
“Yes.” John says, to assure the Doctor of the situation. The doctor simply stares.
“Okay, okay well I can probably fix your glaring personality flaws. Alright, alright, alright,” the Doctor mumbles, pacing back and forth in front of John.
“Shouldn’t be too hard to reprogram…” the Doctor looks up and the already very white skin of his face gets even paler.
“Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay, PhD,” John says, standing up straight.
“Stop calling me that,” the Doctor says, burying his face in his hands. John mimics the movement, wondering what function it serves.
“How do you want me to address you?” John asks, voice muffled by his palms.
“Even if I can fix this…what the hell am I going to do about…your…apparatus…”
John pulls his hands away from his face so he can see. The Doctor is gesturing towards John’s genitals, for John did not come with clothes, only the aviators perched atop his head.
“My penis?” John asks, staring down at it. “Or if you prefer cock, dick, wiener, willy,” he recites, “One-eyed lizard, man rod, member, flesh rocket, r—“
“Stop!” John does, and notes with interest the Doctor seems to be less pasty, and more…red. “Did you say flesh rocket? No, never mind!” He exclaims, resuming his pacing.
John cocks his head to the side. “Is it not of adequate size? It can get bigger. I’ll make it bigger for you,” John says helpfully, taking the soft, unfamiliar piece of flesh into his hand.
“Oh my god! NO!” The Doctor shouts, “Stop touching yourself!” John drops it.
“Uhm…is this a bad time?” John watches in fascination as the Doctor’s eyes grow wide. He peaks around John and his face grows a deeper shade of red. John wonders if he is possibly on the verge of having some sort of cardiac arrest.
“Jeannie!” He squeaks. John turns around. There’s a woman at the door, and a facial analysis reveals marked similarities between Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay, PhD, and herself.
“You must be his sister!” John hypothesizes. The woman the Doctor refers to as Jeannie nods, her eyes, John notes are directed at his groin.
John slouches against the door frame once more.
“Do you find me of adequate size?” He asks, sincerely.
“Oh. Uhm…” and she giggles.
“This is not happening,” the Doctor groans.
“I believe it is Doctor Meredith—“
“Just. Rodney, okay? Just Rodney.” John nods.
“So who’s your friend?” Jeannie asks, walking past John into the kitchen. She doesn’t take her eyes off him.
“Designation: John Edward Sheppard. Age at initial activation: approximately twenty-two. Height six—“ Rodney’s eyes appear to grow in size.
“What?” Jeannie laughs. John stops, wondering if he will ever be able to get through his programmed introductions. Rodney suddenly darts forward, covering John’s groin with a dish towel he snags off the handle of the oven. It’s covered in kittens.
“Does my body make you uncomfortable?” John asks. Rodney nods enthusiastically.
“Yes, yes it does.”
“Why is he naked anyway?” Jeannie asks under her breath, leaning towards Rodney.
“I don’t own clothing yet,” John explains, trying to be helpful.
“He doesn’t…” Jeannie’s eyes grow wide and John notes the similarities between her and her brother.
“Because he just arrived, and and and he doesn’t wear clothes where he’s from…he’s a nudist. From a cult—uh colony. In Siberia. So…he…”
“Siberia Rodney? Siberia?”
“That’s in Russia,” John tells her, as she seems to be confused. Jeannie smiles at him.
“He’s a giant computer wrapped in a pretty…pretty…uh…package,” Jeannie says, glancing at the dish towel. “Isn’t he?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Rodney flounders. Jeannie raises an eyebrow at him.
“So he’s not a robot?” Jeannie asks, with sarcasm.
“No,” Rodney says, at the same time that John smiles,
“Yes.” Rodney glares at John; John raises his own eyebrows in surprise.
“Rodney!” Jeannie shouts, hitting him in the shoulder repeatedly.
“Is this domestic violence?” John asks, concerned.
“Oh my god! Normal people plant pot in their basements Rodney. But oh no no not my brother, no he has home grown sex bots!” Jeannie says incredulously.
“While that is one of my many functions it is not my explicit purpose.” John clarifies. Jeannie looks horrified.
“I didn’t make him,” Rodney says, and John thinks he sounds a little indignant. Jeannie looks at him. “I ordered him off the internet,” Rodney says, avoiding her gaze and playing with the strap on his watch. Jeannie looks over at John, she smiles.
She looks kind. John smiles back.
“I like ferris wheels,” he tells her proudly. She lets out a soft giggle, and bites her lower lip.
“You know I always sort of had a feeling,” Jeannie says to Rodney later. She is pulling clothing out of Rodney’s dresser.
“About what?” Rodney asks. His arms are crossed over his chest. Jeannie looks at him for a long moment and then lets her eyes roll up and down John’s body. He’s still naked.
“No,” Rodney says, rushing, holding up a finger, “that was a mistake! Screwed up my order!”
“I’m a mistake?” John asks, confused.
“Nice one Meredith,” Jeannie hisses, and she pats John’s arm. “Of course not John.” John smiles.
“This isn’t happening.”
“Karma Rodney, I can’t believe you tried ordering a girlfriend off the internet. Watch porn like everyone else.” She rolls her eyes, John tries it.
“Great.” Rodney says, staring at him. John rolls his eyes at him. Jeannie laughs. John smiles, pleased.
“Here, try these,” Jeannie tells him, handing him a pair of blue boxers with frogs on them, dark denim jeans, and a t-shirt that say ‘I < U’
“He’s not wearing my underwear!” Rodney complains.
“Well fine, but then he’s going commando in a pair of your jeans.”
“Ugh. Put the underwear on.” Rodney hits his head on his bedroom wall once, twice, three times.
“Why is he—“ John starts to ask of Jeannie, but she shakes her head. He pulls the clothes on instead, Jeannie helping him get the shirt on. He’s not sure if it’s because she is unsure of his capabilities, or because she finds it pleasing.
“I hate them.” John tells her, moving uncomfortably in the clothing. “They don’t feel right.”
“That’s because my brother is a terminal fashion victim.”
“Can I take them off?” John asks.
“No!” Rodney says, firmly. John sits down on the bed and pouts.
“What exactly is he supposed to do?” Jeannie asks, watching John eating. John is very curious about food. He does not know what he might like, so he pleads for one of everything in the many take out menus he finds in Rodney’s kitchen drawers.
“You call and they bring you all the delicious food you want?” He asks, marveling at the concept.
“It’s called take-out.”
“Can we get some take-out?”
And now he’s sitting at the kitchen table, a large meat lover’s pizza in front of him, cartons of Tai and Chinese, various kinds of chicken wings and French fries, potato chips, Doritos, several cans of soda, milk, orange juice, and a jar of pickles.
“I like the pickles,” John says, holding one up to show Jeannie. “But when I take a bite I fear my neural sensors are disrupted.”
“Huh?” Jeannie asks. And John takes a large bite, his eyes screwing shut reflectively at the sourness.
“See. Everything goes dark.” Jeannie laughs.
“Oh my god,” Rodney whines, resuming his head slamming.
“What?” John asks, sheepishly.
“Okay, let’s get this straight,” Rodney says, clapping his hands together and staring hard at John. “Your name is John Sheppard and you’re a twenty year old exchange student from a nudist colony in Siberia.”
Which is exactly how John introduces himself to the UPS delivery man. John is very proud for having remembered correctly, but the man does not seem to be paying much attention.
“Pants Sheppard! Pants!” Rodney reminds him helpfully, pushing him away from the open door.
“They make me itch.”
“So, how’s roboboy working out for you?” Jeannie asks. Rodney looks disgruntled. “What were you intending to use a robot for anyway?”
“She was supposed to be quiet, polite, intelligent, and a good cook.” Jeannie quirks an eyebrow.
“You paid for a Stepford wife Mere? Your life is an unbelievable tragedy.”
“Hey, I’m just looking for love!” Rodney complains, “and and a nice girl who can bring me sandwiches in between games of chess. Is that so much to ask for?” Rodney’s voice, John notes, can go quite high.
“I love Chess!” John tells him, happily. Rodney scowls. Jeannie beams.
“This can’t be happening,” Rodney says. He stares down at the chessboard on the table in front of him.
“Wow, I’ve beaten you six times!” John says. He leans back in his chair and smirks at Rodney. It’s one of his talents. “You suck.” John says, because that is what Jeannie has taught him is an appropriate response.
“I can’t…” Rodney just shakes his head. “Can you at least get me a sandwich?” He asks, a little pathetically.
“What’s a sandwich?” John asks, curiously. Rodney balks. “I could trade off for sexual favors?” John suggests, trying to cheer Rodney up, but Rodney looks worse.
“I’ll play!” Jeannie says enthusiastically.
“Do it and die!”
The next day Rodney must go to work. John supposes he will miss Rodney while he is gone. But when John tells him so, Rodney only says
“Stay in the house.” A nerve in his temple twitching slightly.
“What if I get hungry?” John asks, worried.
“Order food. There’s money on the table.” Rodney instructs. “And pants!”
“Seriously. When in doubt…just don’t ever take it out!” Rodney shouts, and then he’s slamming the front door shut. John watches Rodney’s Prius pull away and disappear down the road before he pulls his pajama bottoms off.
First John makes homemade pancakes. Which he sprinkles with chocolate chips, and tops with the chocolate pudding in the container labeled ‘eat this and I will punch you in your stupidly pretty face’.
Then he sits on the couch and watches several hours of the discovery channel.
“Sharks. Are. So. Cool.” He decides. And when he wanders through the house later and sees the swimming pool at the side of the house, he just has to recreate those documentary scenes.
Which is how he ends up at the Wal-Mart down the street. Rodney had left money for food. But John thinks this is a much better use of it.
When he returns home later with several inflatable shark toys, fish that really move through the water, a body board, and a skateboard just because, John is very excited.
John remembers Rodney’s pleas and finds a pair of swimming trunks tucked into the back of Rodney’s underwear drawer.
He pulls the drawstrings tight but they are still too big. They hang low on his hips but John thinks they look all the more fetching for it.
John is in the middle of playing shark attack, thrashing and yelping in the deep end, wrestling two sharks at once when he hears shouting.
There’s a man about Rodney’s age staring down at him from the side of the pool. His eyes are wide, almost fearful.
“Are you alright?” The man asks.
“Oh yes. Thank you for asking.” John says, splashing a little.
“Good.” The man replies. “What the hell are you doing?” He asks, his hands on his hips.
“Playing. And swimming,” John tells him helpfully.
“Right. Who are you? And why are you in my pool?”
John looks around, confused.
The man nods.
“I thought this was Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay, PhD’s pool.”
The man shakes his head. “Nope.”
“Oh. Hi. My name is John Sheppard. I am an exchange student from Siberia. I am a nudist. Also I am twenty.” John tells him.
The man is staring, his mouth is open a little.
“You’re a what?” He asks.
“No…the other…never mind. I’m Cam, Cameron Mitchell. I live in this house,” the man says, pointing to the house next to Rodney’s.
“Hello Cameron Mitchell.”
“You’re staying with Rodney?” Cameron asks.
“Yes,” John tells him. He starts to swim to the ladder. “I’m sorry about the pool,” John says, climbing out.
“But I was wearing clothes the whole time!” John nods.
“Oh…well…that’s, something.” Cam says. He looks a little red.
“You’re not as pale as Rodney.” John says, staring at Cam’s bare chest and legs. Cam snorts.
“No one’s as pale as Rodney.”
“You know Rodney?” John asks.
“He yells at me a lot,” John confides.
“He yells at everyone a lot,” Cam tells him, handing him the towel John laid out for himself.
“I want cookies,” John says.
“Want to make cookies with me?” John asks, politely. Cam looks at his house and then back at John.
“Yes.” John smiles.
“So you’re from Siberia?” Cam asks. He is mixing cookie dough.
“Yes!” John tells him, watching.
“Cool. That’s in Russia right?” Cam’s arms flex as he stirs. John watches, smiling.
“Uhm. It’s the vast region constituting almost all of Northern Asia and for the most part currently serving as the massive central and eastern portion of the Russian Federation, having served in the same capacity previously for the USSR from its beginning, and the Russian Empire beginning in the 16th century.” * John says. Nodding.
“Oh…uh…” Cam’s arm stops moving as he stares. He smirks at John who pushes Cam’s arm into moving again. He flexes. John smiles.
“Is it cold there?” Cam asks.
“The climate of Siberia varies dramatically. On the north coast, north of the Arctic Circle, there is a very short summer. The by far most common climate in Siberia is continental subarctic, with the annual average temperature about −5 °C and roughly −25 °C average—“ ** John stops when Cam starts laughing.
“You sound like a travel guide!”
“That’s absurd.” John assures him. “Wikipedia.”
Rodney steps into the kitchen. He stops just inside the doorway and sniffs the air.
“What is that?” He asks. John looks up from scrubbing the kitchen counter.
“No. Not that,” Rodney says. His eyes grow wide again.
“What?” Cam asks. His sponge is dripping water onto the freshly scrubbed floor.
“It smells like…”
“What? The cleaning stuff?” Cam asks.
“Lemony fresh!” John says, smiling. He holds the bottle to show Rodney. Rodney screams and jumps, scrambling out of the kitchen. John jumps back, alarmed.
“You you imbeciles!” Rodney shouts, “I am deathly allergic to citrus!”
“It’s not made from real lemons Einstein,” Cam shouts. John pouts.
“DEATHLY!” Rodney glares at Cam. Cam rolls his eyes.
“Well then…DON’T LICK THE FLOOR!” Cam bellows back.
“Get out of my house! You you you YOU!”
“Good one McKay. Don’t know how I’ll recover.”
“You air force nancy!” Rodney finishes. Cam snorts. John’s never heard someone do that before.
“Says the man with the fear of fruit.”
“I will kick you out myself!” Rodney shouts. He takes a step into the kitchen. John claps for his bravery. Cam throws his sponge and Rodney runs screaming from the room. John stops clapping. He feels a little embarrassed on Rodney’s behalf.
“What the hell is going on here?” Jeannie shouts, ducking the projectile and walking into the kitchen.
“Jeannie!” John shouts excitedly. “This is Cam. He’s my new friend. We baked cookies and played checkers because he is really bad at chess.” Jeannie smiles fondly at John and waves at Cam.
“Hello Cam, back for the summer?” She asks. He nods.
“Back for guard duty?” He asks. “May I suggest a cattle prod?” Jeannie snorts. John tries it. It makes his nose feel funny.
“Bye Cam!” John says. Cam smiles at him and gives a little wave. “Will I see you again?” John asks.
“Sure,” Cam says. John watches him leave. He walks down the walkway and up the sidewalk to his house. When he turns around, closing the door, Jeannie is smiling at him.
“Rodney!” She shouts.
“What?” Rodney asks, coming out of the kitchen in a pair of gloves, pulling a dust mask off his face.
“Our little boy is growing up!” Jeannie smirks.
“Our little boy?” Rodney scowls. “And what the hell are you talking about.”
“You like him don’t you John?” Jeannie asks. John nods.
“Like who?” Rodney says, and then, “Oh no. No. Nononono.” He whines. John frowns.
“Nothing, John. I think this is great.”
“There is no way I will ever approve of these…shenanigans.” Rodney shouts. “I did not pay a ridiculous amount of money for a robot to have him go traipsing about with some some some errant flyboy on summer vacation. This is not the gay military version of Pygmalion.” Jeannie sighs.
“You’re just jealous.” Jeannie says, irritated.
“Of what?!” Rodney hisses. His hands fly everywhere.
“That not even something programmed to like you actually likes you!” Jeannie shouts.
“I like Rodney,” John says, softly.
“Ha! See,” Rodney gloats.
“But Cameron smiles a lot, and his skin is all golden, and he smells really nice.” John says, dreamily.
“This can’t be happening.” Rodney says.
“Ha!” Jeannie smirks, smacking Rodney in the forehead.
“This won’t ever work out.” Rodney tries convincing John.
“Why not?” John asks, sadly, staring out the window at Cam mowing his lawn.
“Because you’re a robot!” Rodney points out. “You’re a piece of technology! A really highly advanced dildo!”
“Rodney!” Jeannie shouts, outraged. “You’ll hurt his feelings!”
“HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY!” Rodney bellows. He jumps up and starts smacking his laptop. “ABUSE! ABUSE!” He grabs a USB and plugs it in. “RAAAAAAPE!”
John looks crestfallen. Jeannie irritated. She stands and walks to the hall closet without saying anything. When she returns she has posters in her hand.
They say ‘Cylons Are People Too’ across them in bold letters.
“I changed my mind. This plan is brilliant.” Rodney says when John walks out of his bedroom, dressed and ready for his date.
“Oh John,” Jeannie sighs.
“Do you not like it?” John asks, straightening the pale blue and green polka dotted tie.
“At least the colors match,” Rodney points out.
“Where’d you even get that?” Jeannie asks.
“Is this not right?” John says.
“Oh honey, that’s a kilt.”
“I know. I’m not wearing any underwear.” John tells them.
“Burn it.” Rodney says, thunking his head against the wall.
“You look nice,” John tells Cam. Cam is only wearing a USAFA t-shirt, cargo shorts and flip-flops, but John thinks it is very becoming anyway. Cam stares at him.
“Thanks. You look alright yourself.”
“Jeannie dressed me.” John tells him.
“She did a good job.”
“Yeah, and don’t worry because I’m wearing underwear.” John says, afraid Cam might be concerned.
“Oh. That’s…” Cam says.
John has been studying dating rituals. He believes he is sufficiently prepared to woo Cam. He has never wooed anything before, but he has the internet on his side.
“What are you doing?” Cam asks him. John is sliding out of his own side of the small booth they are seated at. He sits down beside Cam.
“Drafty.” John tells him. Cam doesn’t say anything.
“Would you guys like any dessert or coffee?” The waitress asks. Cam shakes his head but John leans toward her and says,
“Brownie sundae,” he holds up two fingers, “two spoons,” his voice is sultry. The waitress stares between the two of them and her face turns red.
“Uhm,” says Cam.
At the movie John yawns dramatically and stretches. He subtly wraps his arm around Cam.
At the door to Rodney’s house John panics.
“Is there a carnival around?” He asks of Cam. Cam looks at him funny and shakes his head.
“I don’t know, why?”
“I haven’t won you a teddy bear with my bottle knocking over skills yet,” John tells him, concerned.
“Or flowers. I should get some of those.” John stoops and plucks a few dandelions out of the ground by Rodney’s steps. “How about these?” He asks, handing them to Cam.
“What the hell?” Cam asks.
“Want to come inside for a delicious hot beverage and perhaps then partake in coitus?” John asks.
“Whoa…whoa whoa,” Cam tells him. He holds up his hands like John is going to head butt him. John doesn’t plan to though so he gets more confused.
“Did I do it all wrong? I knew I should have worn the tie.”
“Was this a date?” Cam asks. John’s eyes widen.
“Yes! I did it right then?” He asks.
Cam stares at him for what feels like at least thirty seconds.
“You wanna go swimming?”
John nods enthusiastically.
“I don’t have my swimming shorts,” John tells Cam, concerned.
“Neither do I,” Cam grins. John smiles back and strips.
“Whoa,” Cam says suddenly. His hands cover John’s where he’s about to push his boxers down. “Let’s just keep those on…what’ll the neighbors think?” Cam asks.
“I am the neighbors,” John tells him. Cam laughs.
Cam sits on the edge of the pool and John sits beside him. He is about to ask if Cam wants to play shark attack when Cam is leaning in close. John stills, surprised, and let’s Cam’s mouth press against his own.
“Wow.” John says.
“What?” Cam asks, smiling soft.
“I never knew it could feel like that.”
“Like what?” Cam’s finger is stroking over the bare skin of his thigh.
“That good.” John tells him. He wants to tell Cam how he can feel all his blood filling his cock. How he is fascinatingly hard. But then he remembers what Jeannie told him about these thoughts so he does not.
“Have you,” Cam starts, laughing nervously. “Have you never kissed anyone?” John shakes his head.
“I’m sorry,” John apologizes, as Cam leans back.
“No, don’t be,” Cam says. “It’s just…has anyone…well I mean…ha…uh…has anyone ever touched you?”
“Of course.” John tells him, confidently. Cam relaxes. “Jeannie touches me all the time. She’s very affectionate like that. And Rodney has touched me a couple of times but mostly he finds me a ‘nuisance’ and tries to avoid all contact.”
“Oh. No,” Cam shakes his head. “I meant…has anyone ever touched you sexually?”
“Oh!” John says, smiling. “Nope. But I know all about it. I am fairly confident I will be sexually satisfying.”
Cam seems to choke on something.
“Ho! Uh…that’s…” Cam says, laughing. “Well…that’s good…I mean…”
“Would you like to cop—“John starts, remembering the appropriate colloquialism in time, “do the horizontal tango?” Cam moves away from the pool’s edge and stands, running a hand through his hair.
“Is that not the appropriate term?” John asks. “Rodney taught it to me.”
“I’m sure he did.” Cam says, and he sits back down beside John.
“I am fully prepared.” John tells him, and he lifts Cam’s hand and places it against his erection, to show him.
“Ho-my,” Cam sighs, as John removes his own hand and watches the one in his lap. Cam doesn’t move.
“I’ve been told I am of above average size,” John offers, wondering if he has done something wrong.
“Would you prefer I touched you?” John asks, reaching for Cam. Cam grabs his hand to stop him.
“No. It’s just…”
“I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.” Cam says, and John laughs.
“I was made for this.”
“Well not specifically.” John clarifies before he remembers how is supposed to be pretending he is not a robot. “What I mean is…biologically speaking of course…is that the human body…like my own…was manufactured…biologically…for…copulation.
“You’re really odd John Sheppard,” Cam says. John’s shoulders sag but Cam is touching his face. “What I mean is,” he says grinning, “is I find you fascinating.”
“Likewise,” and John kisses Cameron. He can feel his body temperature rise as Cam’s tongue slides against his own.
“Sex now?” John asks, out of breath and against Cam’s lips. Cam stares at him, nodding. John smiles in anticipation as Cam slides off the edge of the pool and into the shallow water. He moves between John’s open legs. He slides a wet hand up across John’s warm thighs. He runs a finger across John’s abdomen. John is ticklish there and he laughs. Cam parts the opening in John’s boxers.
“Ooh. Are you going to fellate me?”
“What is it? What are you doing?” Rodney snaps, walking into the kitchen and scowling at Jeannie. Jeannie is peering out the window, a large grin on her face.
“You shouldn’t sit in the sun all the time, you’re very red. You’re going to get cancer,” Rodney warns her. Jeannie looks over at him.
“Why are you all red?”
“Oh. Uh…no reason. Beautiful day out huh? Warm though,” and she starts fanning herself with an envelope on Rodney’s counter.
“What are you looking at?” Rodney walks over to the window. “What is…OH MY GOD!”
*/** taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siberia